Can you be in denial of your own illness?
I was diagnosed with Psoriatic arthritis for the first time in 2004. I was 17, I was young, free and pretty angry at basically everything so I was sure the doctor was wrong and I was completely fine.
Months went by, my psoriasis healed up and the pain went away. I moved to the big city of Paris to be a Flight Attendant and forgot about everything the doctor had mentioned. I just went on with a life of partying, drinking and low self esteem. It was all fun and games until the day I went for a run and had to suddenly stop cause I could not move my right leg anymore. Well, you are probably thinking now "knee or hip injury". I did too, for many years and to be honest, I still do sometimes.
I have seen approximately 20 doctors regarding this "injury" except no one could figure out why I was in so much pain and there were no improvements. Only one blood test brought me back to my first diagnosis. I was HLAB27 positive and was probably suffering from (pick your poison) Rheumatoid Arthritis, Ankylosis Spondyloarthrtis or Psoriatic Arthritis.
Still, in my head, I did not want to accept. I have seen my father suffering his entire life and had his spine destroyed with Spondyloarthritis, I could not imagine having the same sentence. They could not be right.
At work, I got used to my colleagues telling me I never looked happy, that I was always sick when it suited me and so on. I was crying everyday on my way to work cause I could not press my foot on the accelerator without being in agonising pain. When I had the opportunity to visit my brother who was living in Australia at the time, I jump on a plane and never looked back. I quit my job and started a new life. The pain went away for a while but came back stronger. So I went back to see multiple doctors about my "hip injury". I was always avoiding to talk about my previous diagnosis as it could influence their judgement. I actually met few doctors that refused to investigate my symptoms a bit further and a Chiropractor that did not want to treat me (in case I break?).
During all those appointments, I was only hanging on to one thing: HOPE, but aren't we all?
I was just hoping for a doctor to tell me that he knew exactly what I had and that I will be fixed in two weeks.
It never happened. It has been a long road to learn to accept my auto-immune disease. A definite diagnosis should make things easier they say but what about the fact there is no cure for it? You want to know the difference between a sport injury and an auto-immune disease?
It gets better.
At the beginning of 2017, I was convinced I injured my knee at the gym so I went on to see doctors like it was the first time my joints were playing up. I also started a new job where I did not disclose my illness. I have lied to people pretending it was only a knee injury that was stopping me from exercising. I had to learn to lie to the doctors pretty well because as soon as I was mentioning Arthritis my case was directly going to the too hard basket. What do you do when the ones that are suppose to help you are giving up on you? Is it really a lie if at the back of your mind you are just convincing yourself it might be something else? We hear so many stories about people being misdiagnosed for years so why not me?
You can become a very good actor when you suffer from chronic pain.
It took me awhile to realise that once again I was in complete denial of my illness. If it has been a knee injury it would have gotten better and it did not. I had to accept the sad reality of a disease spreading into my joints and I am helpless. Sometimes, I feel like if I talk out loud about my illness, it means I am resigned and I have no hope left. I have to remind myself that embracing your illness does not mean that you are giving up. It means that you accept your situation, not that you stop fighting.
My right jaw, ribs, hip and knee are hurting me every single minute and to this day no medication have brought me significant relief. So to my dear doctors and friends, please do not judge me and understand I never meant to hide my illness, I was just hoping for a better diagnosis.
Take care Wellness Lovers.
XXX
